Just as the world forever changed when J. Robert Oppenheimer brought the atomic bomb into our lives, so too did we reach a point of no return when young adults learned the perilous incantation of “Do it for the Vine.”
Indeed, Vine may be ancient history now, but the essence of that five-word command lives on in the mortal essence of the TikTok generation, who have shown themselves capable of dropping any and all etiquette in the unending pursuit of outrageous virality. Rumor has it that the siren-esque call of the algorithm is capable of coaxing even the closest friends into great betrayal, and thanks to one @makayla_mdowggg, we now know that this is no mere rumor.
Whilst on a grocery run with her bestie Anna, Makayla schemed up a truly diabolical gag that will likely haunt Anna’s every waking hour for the foreseeable future. How did she initiate it? You guessed it: “Do it for the TikTok.”
Like a dire wolf to a bison, Anna hopped in the cart upon hearing these words, foolishly assuming that nothing mortifying would follow such an action. Makayla played herself innocently at first, but once she spotted the promised land (aka the “employees only” section), her true colors burst onto the scene as she shoved the cart — and Anna — into the section before high-tailing it out of there.
Indeed, Makayla trespassed in the grocery store using Anna as her battering ram and fall guy, at once placing her among the most devious criminal masterminds in history. Michael Scofield? Raymond Reddington? Tommy Shelby? They’ve got nothing on Makayla.
Commenters, ever complicit in the perverted approval that so many viral videos exist to accumulate, were absolutely obsessed with Makayla’s deviousness. “This is evil, do it again,” urged one replier, while others tossed around adjectives like “diabolical,” and “so crazyyyyy.” The wiser among them were more fixated on the grocery haul itself, asking Makayla where she managed to get a hold of the baked Cheetos nestled delectably in the cart. Perhaps Makayla’s criminal empire deals in high-sodium delicacies? What if this prank was payback for when Anna snitched on the gang’s Pringles hookup? Who knows how deep this goes?
Make no mistake; there’s absolutely a market for the snack food mafia. According to Statista, global revenue from snack food totals $269.5 billion, and is expected to grow at an annual rate of 6.08% over the next four or five years. Unsurprisingly, the United States is the largest source of that revenue at $53 billion.
Indeed, the snack food market, like most every market on this godless green Earth, is approached with growth in mind. In other words, snack foods will, little by little, wind up in fewer and fewer hands of true salt-and-sugar enthusiasts as the middle class gets left behind in favor of parasitic CEOs. Thus, we cheer on Makayla for leading the charge in grassroots snack distribution, and if traitors like Anna threaten the integrity of this counter-establishment, well… no one said this life was an easy one.
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