The Dangers in My Heart – 10 – The Real Thing

Ichikawa is in his emo finest when he arrives thirty minutes early for his meetup with Yamada, only to find she’s just as early as him, and for the same claimed reason (making sure they “got the place right”…you know, Hachiko, the most famous meeting place in Japan).

But whatever Ichikawa was expecting, handing over the new manga was only a pretense. Yamada wants to try out a pancake place, but despite there being a line their relationship doesn’t fall apart due to awkwardness—like she says is the reason not to go to amusement parks for a first date.

Her being early and bringing up first dates should clue Ichikawa in that what he and Yamada are in fact on is their first date—and on Christmas Eve no less—but for much of the day he wrongly assumes he’s just a hanger-on.

When he sees the prices, he pretends not to like sweet things (untrue), even eschewing sugar for his coffee. When Yamada’s gorgeous pancakes arrive, she has him sake photos and he suggests taking a video, which he assumes is all for her socials. He thinks about all of the people who will see this video, and it makes him a little lonely.

Imagine his surprise, then, when Yamada makes clear she doesn’t intend to upload them anywhere, she’s just taking them to send to him and him alone. These are for him. When his gaze lingers on his phone too long, she leans over, lifts his chin, and tells him not to forget to “watch the real thing.” She may be a model and appear on TV and eventually a movie, but here and now, he’s the only one she wants watching her.

As he considers just how much this meetup resembles a date, Ichikawa at least shows he knows what he’s doing wrong when he lists all of his mistakes thus far, from calling his mom cute to mansplaining fashion. The thing is, none of those things seem to be sapping Yamada’s enjoyment of their time together.

When she goes clothes shopping, she makes a distinction between what she likes and what he thinks of two dresses she’s holding up. But not five minutes after he mentioned going shopping with his sister sometimes, Kana enters the store with her friends. Yamada wants to go over to meet her, but Ichikawa say’s “not now.”

Sensing Ichikawa doesn’t want Kana to see him or her, she pulls him into the changing room. In this restricted space, every smell, every breath, and every bead of sweat is amplified. Yamada asks when she can meet Kana, and when he says another time, she’s relieved. She wants to know him better, and that means knowing his fam.

She admits she’s sweated through the dress she was only trying on, but Yamada suggest she buys it, as she looks good in it. Good boy. You gotta give a person compliments when they’re clearly trying things on for you! Alas, Yamada forgets she’s not quite zipped up in the back, and Ichikawa isn’t ready for the glimpse of her back and the hooks of her bra. Fortunately, Kana passes by without suspecting a thing!

Before he knows it, it’s gotten dark out; the day went by far faster than he expected. She apologizes for the day, thinking he must be exhausted being “dragged around.” He realizes he’s been in his own head so much he hadn’t been properly thinking about how she feels.

That’s when he decides to open up and tell her a little about himself. He’s not a people person, not afraid of turning down invitations, and will say so if he wants to tell someone to buzz off or if something sucks. So he deduces that since he didn’t do any of those things today, he had fun today…”probably.”

Yamada can tell, because he is talking about himself to her. He wraps him in a red scarf, which she claims she was wearing earlier. But looking back we never saw her in it, so she may well have bought it for him (she’s got plenty of cash with her modeling).

They eventually walk into a Christmas garden lined with dazzling lights all around, really heightening their cozy closeness. Ichikawa may have seen these kinds of lights before, but since he’s seeing them with Yamada, they just seem much prettier.

When they board a train packed to the brim with passengers, for one horrible beat I feared Ichikawa got on and Yamada didn’t. But then we hear the sound of a hand—her hand—grasping his. It’s sweaty, just as Ichikawa noticed when he took the bag of manga from her.

When her hand slips out of his, he tenderly re-takes it and holds it tight. Whatever mistakes he made throughout their day together, this gesture makes up for all of it. Even if he has yet to reckon with his specific motives or realize how she truly feels, taking her hand back makes clear to her that he doesn’t want to part with her just yet.

Clearly, the feeling is mutual, and sweat aside, the feeling of holding hands is so nice, neither of them want to let go. So they don’t! They hold hands for the duration of the train ride, when they get off the train, when they exit the station, and when they stroll slowly down the streets, which take on a soft, blue glow, like they’ve strayed into a dream together. Only it’s not a dream: its two people who found each other, and like what they’ve found.

Yamada only lets go of Ichikawa’s hand when they arrive at her house. Ichikawa starts to wish her a Happy New Year, but she shushes him. There are still quite a few days until then, so she doesn’t want him to say that quite yet. If he does, it suggests they won’t see each other again until the new year. She doesn’t want that.

After hiding behind a pole and then breaking out an adorkable “Santa Yamada” act that makes him laugh, the two finally part ways, no doubt not wanting to at all. And after they part, Ichikawa finally lets himself start thinking seriously about his feelings getting across to her; that she might know he likes her.

That night, while going over their time together and thinking about all the things he should and shouldn’t have said and done, Nigorikawa, the boy from the manga he’s reading, appears before him, saying he’s Ichikawa and Ichikawa is him. This “cooler” Ichikawa serves as a sounding board for his thoughts about having a chance with Yamada.

It also results in the most bizarre scene of the entire series thus far, as after receiving a photo of Yamada in a Santa suit, Ichikawa jacks off in bed with his new alter ego reclined beside him. Very odd stylistic choice, even if what Ichikawa himself is doing isn’t out of the ordinary for a hormonal teen. But suffice it to say, I’m glad he’s at least keeping an open mind about Yamada possibly liking him as he likes her. Because, duh, she does.

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