First of all, good morning to you, too. Today, we’re going to talk about childbirth – more specifically, poop childbirth. It’s the miracle of life that sees us bringing something new to the Earth, trying to flush it a couple of times, realizing that it isn’t going anywhere, and then doing our best to act nonchalant when someone screams “WHO DID THIS?” from the bathroom a few minutes later.
The humanitarians at Bachelor in Paradise have been doing their level best to destigmatize the subject of poop babies ever since the latest season’s first teaser dropped back in August. Ushering in a brave new era in which these breech-birthed fecal darlings are treated with the pride and wet wipes they deserve, the reality series offered, for our consideration, the plight of Samantha “Sam” Jeffries, an occupational therapist from San Diego who couldn’t go to the bathroom, evocatively paired with footage of this turtle.
The stakes, as presented in the season’s teaser, could not have been higher. For nine days, we were told, Sam would experience – and this is a quote – “no pooping.” A medic arrived in an ambulance, fully prepared to do what must be done. Safety was his number one concern. There was no number two.
On Thursday, Oct. 12, Bachelor Nation finally arrived at the moment they’d been waiting for. Sam, as foretold in prophecy and in that sneak peek clip we were talking about, announced that she was nine days overdue for a deuce drop. Would she poop? Wouldn’t she? If not, would she eventually swell up like that kid from Willy Wonka after she ate forbidden gum? And if that was the case, what would her chiding Oompa Loompa song sound like? Please email us with your thoughts.
It is an unfortunate fact that Sam did not pass her poop baby during episode 3 of Bachelor in Paradise. But around the corner from where the fudge wasn’t made, she took life’s lemons and made lemonade, parlaying her condition into a romantic, high-fiber dinner and bowel-loosening exercise routine with fellow paradise dweller Aaron. On a show so frequently focused on the shallow and exciting aspects of romance, it was almost heartwarming to see a duo connecting over life’s more horrendous little moments. Love really is disgusting.
Parties interested in the nightmares lying in the human digestive system are encouraged to check out Philadelphia’s historic Mutter Museum, which proudly displays colorectal horrors beyond your comprehension. Meanwhile, in a bellwether for the state of television in general, Sam’s poop journey is set to continue into a second episode next week. The fact that there have been no news reports of a California woman on an island exploding recently hints at a happy outcome. On a side note, I just started watching Bachelor shows this year and I’m not mad at America, but I am disappointed.
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