Ah, The Mummy: the movie that historians, archaeologists, and Bembridge scholars hold responsible for a mass bisexual awakening. Name me another film that delivers a cultural touchstone so gleefully; I’ll wait. Writer-director Stephen Sommers‘s popcorn flick remake of the Universal Monsters classic didn’t need to go so hard with its cast’s concurrent beauty. Courageously, it did so anyway. If there’s one thing society can agree on, it’s The Mummy‘s daisy chain of absurd sexiness the entire cast, head to toe, front to back, dancing in a chorus line with synchronized kicks. What was the reason? Why deploy this on an unsuspecting world? There’s the logical answer (attractive people make money) and the nefarious master plan I have invented for this essay. Universal deliberately cursed us with a thirst as desperate as someone stranded without water in the desert. If you claim you haven’t been down bad for someone in The Mummy, you’re lying.
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